D’s Love Life and Her Will

Could be my deepest desires or thoughts, what else Marriage Life.  Yes. Am 26th, the next year am going to be 27^th..Most of peeps said is the ages of crucial times for women. When I was young – mean like early 20ish I wanna have that sacral commitment like in a 21^st or 22^nd , was met with someone that perfectly he’s the one (guess so-at that moment), we’re having like 4 years seriously commitment – de facto partnership, we share a house even the furnish, having joined bank account for our next life, our parents and family are old best  friends, they say for each other –in laws, but things suddenly fucked up, I couldn’t stand anymore with the abusing, we’re broke up like more than twice, and I always take him back with several conditions to make the things right, such as no harsh or abusing. I know he cheated on me, while am gone and still I took him back. Well as a human am having climax, can’t stand with liar, cheated, the harsh and abuse. Because I need a secure man for my entire life, I don’t wanna sleep next to the killers. Ok. The next my love life am having fling fling with several guys, and they proposed me to married – helloooo I don’t even know you well, guys. I declined. After am searching for my lost soulmate, I met this settled hunk- he’s so damn prepared with marriage, we planned it even I decorate myself the house of ours. Things just normally, until one day he was gone to some city- never picked up the phone even reply the texted, can’t reach at all- and oh am not so closed with his busy parents (his pa is running for the local election and his ma is running for the governor of his hometown)-  riddle to my mind..and yes he’s having a beau, his lost beau and gonna be married in 2 months..what the F word! He never say something or anything, until his wedding day, he never say anything..and you know what after that he still can say heart to me..watt? come on you bastardo, u belong to someone now and it sins to fallin in love with other girl..such a man..Kinda down with my life as always having fling fling are the best thing. I met this one fling but I suddenly turns into love, such a true love.. the geminian boy (I was hate or even will ever hate Geminian), yes the missing guy. I thought he was gonna be my rebounder, time goes by the time I truly can’t resist his feeling and another things that I never got with others I am falling to his family. The first times I met them, am in love with them..and yes I wanna be part of them. I can chat so deeply and easily with his parents especially his ma. I love her. I wish I had his ma for my entire life – doesn’t mean I don’t like my ma..and wat so the stories next? As you may read previous post, am having lost missing boy that I adore. Ok. Am having this split up feeling, he wanna moved on with his lost beau (oh nottagain..mann)..but I know his deep down inside, scared of something, scared of marriage..marriage with wrong person.. I dunno dear, I f u read this my best suggest is come closed to your God, do the Istikharah pray. We’re not talking about thingking or feeling. But its about the future, his future and am so concerned about his future, whatever happens between us, the worst one, I still concerned with his future such as his health and financial-indeed. I don’t wannna him having “boncos” life with wrong person, I wanna him having a great taker-the best one, who treat him much better than I do, he needs someone to take care- massages when had stressed, cuddling with serious conversation, clean up his room-clothes, dvds, dusts and stuffs..pheew..reminds him to take Friday pray (if this beau love him-she MUST! Reminds him..I want him had a place in God’s )..check up the dental and health. A lot things to tk care of him. So to be love him is not about romance or having sex in bed, its about caring, giving the best thing for his life is like having big O..yes..my very big pleasures. I should let my ego not to dominated, if his happy I really do happy for him. All I want is the best thing for him- even still I can’t reach him I want him to have this “shoots” passion as my  present via my bestie- and I did It..cant imagine how fun he is..using my trainer and my bullets..and I keep up this as my secret. Thanks to my bestie. And now am so concerned to his thin bod, I should think something for his health. Gilaaaa orang di dump aja masih sempetnya mikirin orang laiiinnn…that’s love, baby-its not only romance, its truly from inside and those are what you will need in your next life for marriage. You can only do romance (sex –touching-kissing) like for 7-8 years and then what else..when you get older, what you need is someone to take care of you, not someone who double you up to relations..rite? cheat behind you while you’re busy, having lost trust to your mate – those are totally not my type and dear I truly want you to have someone who can sacrifice more than I do, not cental centil girls..so, whatever it is, pray the best for you.

My thoughts has speaks now

Since I make this blog for my private eyes only, I know its online, tho..but not much people aware with my blog..I will go on with my stories..love life stories..

Remember my missing guy?

Been searching him and one time he texted me only said to take a break ( literally refers to what? Break up or vacuum? – can’t read his mind).. so okay then, I make up my mind to interpret that as our contemplate spaces time, I don’t wanna misjudge anything also my family.

Honestly am using my spaces time with no wise, this is definitely not I wanna be..

Still, I don’t like my works (not my works – accurately to my CEO) so I had this love letter from Personnel Department, my first love letter..Still, I didn’t do anything to my blank thesis..and I become juvenile person. Its not a drama. This Ramadhan I drunk, only few days I fasted. I can’t sleep normally, I sleep at 4:00 AM  then I wake at 11:00 AM , That’s totally not normal. This is not I wanna be. This is not me. My devil side just appeared.

Few guys trying to move toward after they know what was happen to me and am not take granted for that – helloooo…still love my missing guy and now I definitely frigid, I don’t wanna open up my heart for any those guys out there. No way!

I made several besties in my life, some of are sinner but some of are fine peeps. I always met the first one, so I had to dealing with drugs and police for a week. Recently I met my fine besties, I know if I met them I turned to be jealous (jealous of their life-of course). So trying not to jealous I took their positive persona in their life. Start with my smiling face and my positive thinking (I was vanished it – not me, I mean my works did)..stop hating the big boss by..ummm…I dunno by the time maybe.. I don’t wanna heard anything – negative stuff..

If some brand can change their image, so do I.. I’ll change to become someone with happy thoughts or I may say become like an innocent person. I missed that person (my old time past-indeed..LOL). So this week, am trying to attend my office even not regularly – start to searching my thesis consultant (LOL)..and I have to found it by the end of this week.

How about my missing guy?

If he read this – no offense dear, I will think of you later after I can start my new life with positive thinking and smiling face – remember, innocent. Though, he will see me as a different person, my new me.

I should make my priority list now or at least some list that I must to do day by day. I wanna be my old me.

My Desire

Its about time to write down my deepest desire.

As you may know, am so deadly wannabe as a bride, yes marriage. People may say “you don’t need to rush, think about it before, many young couple made their decision for married as simple as that but their end up to divorced, then”

Well, am not afraid and not kind of risk taker person. But honestly,  been dreaming of its like since early 20th, then suddenly several workjobs can get it away just like that.

Anyway, recently this thought just appear on my mind, I feel like alone now, I know..I missed something, a person, a thrill and so I thought I wanna moved on with something prestige.

I was having this fairy tale of marriage:

Married with trendyloveguy – a lifetime mate, we’re living in a small house where parked our single city car and living with one loyal super maid, then I become preggie mommy, busy with our financial plans,  the next I wake up will be rush with breakfast caring for my little family and take the kids to their first school, watch them performance in the end year of school, being one of parents-school committee, waiting my fatty belly hub coming from the meetings, while playing and make homework with kids, having big movement to our permanent residence, hectic with household then escaping for our 3rd honeymoon… such a fairy tale…

I don’t wanna have big party for the wedding reception, all I want is having one big happy family.